Self Esteem
First of all, friends, don’t think I’ve forgotten this series. I have a couple of things started but they just keep bringing up things for me and I’m having to deal with them before I can look at it again. That and I have a lot of things going on in my personal life that are really distracting me. Thank you ADHD.
So, I apologize. I haven’t forgotten, just been distracted.
That said, on to the topic.
Note to Myself (Or) EMBRACE
By larrymotuz
To see another
Look at yourself.
Do not dwell upon
your loneliness
or brokenness
or your fragilities.
Admit them.
Nor dwell upon
your darknesses,
anger, irritation, distemper.
Admit them also.
Nor upon your light.
Just keep on admitting.
(That's neverending!)
You’re more,
More than all you see
And all the words
That describe yourself to you
As what you see.
You are what you cannot see,
Beyond your words
Simply More.
Embrace it.
(Be Gentle for you are hugging
Yourself becoming.
What you cannot see beyond the words
You use to see.)
In that gentleness,
You can see another
As becomingly as your becoming.
Embrace.
Here begins our becoming together,
In embracing our becoming
We begin our becoming
Together Human
Ours
Yet we don't own it
Theirs
And they don't either.
As we act out of what we are
that we cannot see we are
Becoming whatever becomes
of our becomings.
So EMBRACE.
Larrymotuz gave me permission to use this poem a while ago, and every time I read it, it says the same thing to me: no matter what fucked up messages you have received in your life that send your self-esteem on a downward spiral, they are not who you are. It’s much easier said than done, but we are the only ones who have the power to turn that around. For me the thing that keeps me going and keeps me fighting is telling myself that I am worth just as much as anyone else on this planet. My emotions are just as valid, my needs are just as important, and my right to dignity is just as fundamental. It’s not up to me to take care of everyone else at the expense of taking care of myself. It’s okay to say no. And if someone has a problem with me or is threatened by me or doesn’t like me - that is their problem.
Conversely if I spend a lot of time thinking about what others think about me, or being angry at them, or hating them, that’s on me. It doesn’t affect them at all. All it does is use up a bunch of my own energy, and quite frankly they’re not worth it. That’s not to say that I’m not going to feel that way, but I try to keep it in perspective. My parents massacred my self-esteem from my earliest memory. They have been dead a long time and I still carry around so much rage in me, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive them. That’s totally valid, there’s nothing wrong with me, but I just try to accept it and move on to the things I can do something about. That’s not easy, but it takes away their power.
Every one of those positive messages I give myself are hard to accept as being true. I just don’t feel worthy. I’ve always come last, and it’s all I know. But I keep trying. I’m starting to believe it now, finally, in my mid-50’s, and quite frankly that pisses me off too. I want my life back.
It’s said that between three and five positive messages are necessary to cancel out one negative message. Personally I think it’s higher, but that’s what the science says. How many negative messages have those of us who have been subject to what I like to call targeted negativity and abuse been on the receiving end of? Now multiply that by three to five and you know how many positive messages we theoretically need to cancel them out. But I don’t think it’s that simple. What is?
There are quite a number of ongoing studies which I am not going to quote here. Instead I’m posting an article from WebMD that has a lot of useful information about low self-esteem, including some of the effects and some strategies for healing from it:
What is Low Self-Esteem?
Low self-esteem is when someone lacks confidence about who they are and what they can do. They often feel incompetent, unloved, or inadequate. People who struggle with low self-esteem are consistently afraid about making mistakes or letting other people down.
Having self-esteem issues can be detrimental to your health and negatively affect your personal and professional relationships. There are many reasons why you may have low self-esteem — your genes, how and where you grew up, and other life circumstances all play a role.
A major factor of low self-esteem, however, comes from your own mental state. Your inner voice, or the thoughts in your head, can be constantly telling you that you are not good enough or worth anything, even if there is evidence to the contrary. Negative thinking in general is linked to low self-worth and low self-esteem.
Signs of Low Self-Esteem
There are several signs that either you or someone you know may be struggling with low self-esteem. Those signs of low self-esteem include:
Sensitivity to Criticism
If you have low self-esteem you may be extra sensitive to criticism, whether from others or yourself. You see it only as reinforcing your flaws and confirming that you are incapable of doing anything right.
Social Withdrawal
Declining invitations to go to a party or meet up with friends, canceling scheduled plans last-minute, and generally not wanting to be around others are signs of low self-esteem. You may not have any desire to hold a conversation or talk about your life because it will only reinforce the depression and anxiety you are already experiencing.
Hostility
For someone with low self-esteem, lashing out or becoming aggressive towards others is a defense mechanism. If you feel that you are about to be exposed or criticized, attacking whoever might criticize you can be a sign of low self-esteem.
Excessive Preoccupation with Personal Problems
Consistently worrying about your own personal issues takes up a lot of time for someone with low self-esteem. You may struggle to help or empathize with someone else’s problems because you are too preoccupied with your own.
Physical Symptoms
Low self-esteem has been shown to lead to mental and physical health issues like depression, anxiety, and anorexia. It can also lead to unhealthy habits like smoking tobacco, alcohol abuse, or drug use.
Dealing with Low Self-Esteem
You can overcome low self-esteem with the right support, mindset, and change in behaviors. Start with these steps to begin improving your self-esteem:
Identify Troubling Conditions and Situations
Take a moment to think about certain conditions and situations in your life that seem to always deflate your self-esteem. It could be giving a work presentation, dealing with a difficult family member or friend, or facing a life-changing event, like a job loss or a move.
Become Aware of Your Thoughts and Beliefs
After you’ve identified the times in your life where you have felt low self-esteem, evaluate your thoughts about them. How are you interpreting what happened? These thoughts could be either positive, negative, or neutral. They can be based on facts or irrational and false ideas.
If you take a moment to notice what you are thinking, you can begin to understand whether or not your reactions to what has happened are appropriate and useful.
Challenge Negative or Inaccurate Thoughts
It is important to ask yourself whether your thoughts are consistent with facts or logic. There could be another explanation for a situation that is truer than your interpretation. Sometimes it is hard to break from long-held beliefs that have become part of your reality. Understand that it can take time and patience to overcome any negative preconceived notions toward your life that you’ve built up.
Adjust your mindset
You’ve been able to identify the times where you’ve felt a blow to your self-esteem. You’ve become self-aware about how and why you have the thoughts and feelings towards those events. Now you can take a step back and analyze those thoughts and emotions. You now have the power to change your thought patterns to raise your self-esteem.
Remember to think and feel hopeful statements, focus on the positive aspects of all situations, and not be afraid to relabel upsetting thoughts. And most importantly, don’t hesitate to forgive yourself. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. It doesn’t make you a bad person—it just makes you human.
Again, and obviously, much easier said than done. It’s hard work, and it’s not fair, but as I pointed out earlier, we are the only ones who have the power to turn that around. It’s worth the work to reclaim our lives.
How many see themselves in some of those symptoms? I have or have had almost all of them over the years. It’s an ongoing struggle and probably always will be.
And that brings me back around to larry’s poem. There is so much truth and so much hope in it, and it really says to me that I am not alone, and sometimes that’s what it takes to get out of bed and face that big bad world again. Thank you larry. You made a difference.
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