"How to talk someone out of a damaging cult" Review

By Best in Moderation:

I'd like to review some advice posted in 2016 about talking people out of a cult. Given the state of the USA at this point, this seems like advice we desperately need, and given how ineffective we've been at it for years now, it seems like advice that might need a testing. So with no further ado, let's hit it!

(You can find the original article and some extras here: https://theconversation.com/how-to-talk-someone-out-of-a-damaging-cult-68930)

Many of you will know someone who has suddenly fallen head over heels in love with someone. Some will know people who have done likewise – but for a strange religion or group that you’ve never heard of. What do you say to them? How can you help? And how do you express your concern or surprise at their change of appearance or lifestyle and their utter devotion to someone or something that, to you, seems really crazy?

To start with, note how they point out that this advice is usually geared towards people we know and care about. Often enough we look to change the minds of people we haven't met and/or don't respect. Without that base connection, this advice may fall flat. 

It’s a question we’ve thought about a lot. We have spent decades talking to current and former members of all kinds of cults, from religious-based groups like the Branch Davidians to political groups on the far right and far left and even psychotherapy cults like the Center For Feeling Therapy. We wanted to understand the attraction of these organisations – and why they’re so hard to leave.

The first thing to realise is that people in cults are not crazy but are the same intelligent, creative and interesting individuals they were before. 

This bites both ways; it also means they are the same dumb, stale, mean and dull people they were before. Some things are pre-existing conditions, and expecting your wonderfully crafted argument to work on them needs to be examined in relation to their previously demonstrated capacity.

As with falling in love they are just crazy about the group, its amazing leader and its great potential to change the world and them with it. So the ideals of the group are probably quite attractive superficially – ending war and poverty, say, or promoting the healthy development of brain and body. After all, you don’t see many adverts saying “join this damaging cult that will destroy your life”.

A noble thought, but for those in, for example, the Trump cult, the messaging at least is not about achieving things (aside from the nebulous MAGA) but rather in knocking people down. So people also join a cult because it makes them feel powerful, not just for nice reasons.

Your friend or loved one has probably fallen hook line and sinker for the positive message of the group and their whole identity is now focused on this message. 

This is the part I sometimes miss; what is the positive message? What is the endgame? Religions I get, positive movements I get, but political cults? I just don't see other endgames than "eliminate the competition." 

The key thing to remember is that criticising the group, however strange or damaging it seems to you, is the same as criticising your friend or family member themselves. They love the group really deeply – for all intents and purposes, they are the group.

Whenever anyone talks about identity politics, this is the REAL definition. When the beliefs and actions of an influence group are sacrosanct, that's politics entirely about identity.

Think back to when you fell in love for the first time and got those disapproving looks or critical comments from your parents or friends. Remember how angry that made you feel? And how determined you were to love the person all the more.

Or find reasons for justifying bad behavior.

The most important piece of advice is to not criticise, condemn or judge, even if you have serious concerns. Instead, focus on why this person identifies with the group so much, and what they believe they are getting from it. And try to reinforce the message: “It’s great that you’re developing yourself and your skills so positively and that the group is making you so happy.”

This is honestly the hardest part of the whole process: letting go of the reasonable disgust with the cult when engaging with the person. It's also why I stopped doing it; I just couldn't pretend that the cult was not dangerous, evil, and that it needed to be stopped. But maybe people who are better at disengaging from it could use this approach. I hope so. 

It may feel cheesy, but the point of this approach is to draw on the psychological technique of motivational interviewing, so that these positive statements, similar to those the person has made themselves, will eventually lead them to question whether they are really true – we call this the “strategic and personal oriented dialogue” approach. This means you have to keep talking. Keep the dialogue going and help your loved one measure the group against their own hopes and standards. In time, the scales will start to fall from their eyes, and you can be ready for that moment.

Keep talking also means finding ways to keep the communication going. This will be tough as the cult will do all they can to cut off their members from counter-messaging. We see this on our social media, for example.

In truth, damaging cults are often run by charlatans. They offer world peace and the promised land while actually sucking people in, taking over their minds and unduly influencing them to give up their time, money, families and careers without any tangible results. Nirvana is always just around the corner, and cults coerce their members to work ever harder to get to the impossible.

A lack of results usually causes people to either leave or double down HARD. 

Often members are made to feel unworthy and are humiliated. They can never measure up to the ideals and perfection of the leader, and bit by bit their hopes for what the group offers start to crumble. Remind them, supportively, that it’s great they’re moving forward with their life so positively in the group, and the penny will suddenly drop – “I’m actually not having a good time at all … what on earth am I doing?” Crucially, they will have come to this painful realisation themselves – with your help, but without you forcing it on them.

That's all well and good, but a lot of the time people will blame others, not the cult, for how damaged their lives are. This is another common cult practice: everything wrong is the fault of those who do not embrace the cult. 

When what seems like the most loving group of individuals with the best ideas ever turns out to be a really big mistake, it is very hard and sometimes humiliating for cult members to admit to the outside world that they were wrong.

Boy oh boy is that an understatement. This is going to be tough to handle en masse.

This is where you come in again: be there as the unconditionally loving and caring friend or family member that you really are. Where the cult judges and condemns its members, you will be there as the person who says:

Sure, it is a crazy destructive group, but I understand why you got involved. We all fall for con artists and swindlers once in a while – you still have a lot to offer and I can help you move on with your life.

What worries me is where there are no more familial connections, where the people only have each other to lean on, in which case the more likely option is that they will splinter off into a new and potentially more extreme group. This is what causes the most damaging cults; many were split off of a more benign one.

After the cult, the world can seem a bleak and less exciting place. But, with the help of family and friends, the former member can build a new and more authentic life and purpose. Hang in there and you’ll be what they really do need at the end of the rainbow."

My question, asked perhaps too coldly, is why would you want to be? I mean really, there is a moment when someone crosses the line so hard that there is little reason to keep a connection to them. Why would people want to associate with that person, familial connection and history be damned? People are who they are now, not who they were, and I personally am not really missing the sick and angry people who have now banded into a cult.

Is this going to make it impossible to reconnect when the cult inevitably crumbles? I believe so. I think we need to think about how a family, community, nation or world works with those who did such harm, or we'll keep running this same circuit. 

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Anyone else have any tips, discussion points or observations?