Floggings will continue until the mood lightens up

OK, let's lighten up people.

 
Q: Why are there 239 beans in a bowl of bean soup?

A: One more would make it too farty.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed.

The other hunter calls 911. “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a gunshot.

The hunter comes back on the phone: “OK, now what?”

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

Furious, she sits down next to a man and says, “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “You go up there and tell him off. Go on—I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast all day.’ So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

“I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!”

“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.”

“I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

“I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.”

“I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.”

“I’m on Betty Crocker’s ten most wanted list.”

Playing with balls

Rodney Dangerfield 

When I was a kid, I knew I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor, he slapped my mother.

“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, ‘Okay, you’re ugly too.’”

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous—everyone hasn’t met me yet.”

“I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.”

“With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.”

“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”